


What Do You Mean The EMTs Are Necromancers?!?

by coppergreen, I_Dont_Write_Fics



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Medical, Astral Plane (The Adventure Zone), Barry POV, Campaign: Balance (The Adventure Zone), Comfort Food, Crack Treated Seriously, EMT AU, F/M, Found Family, Getting to Know Each Other, Hospital, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Job offers, Minor Character Death, Mom Friend OC, Necromancy, Needles, Neverwinter is Fantasy Minnesota, Nicknames, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Kravitz (The Adventure Zone), POV Lup (The Adventure Zone), Poisoning, Pre-Canon, Swearing, Temporary Character Death, Trauma, Twins, Vomiting, fantasy college cuisine hell, firehouse, graphic description of medical emergency, just a little bit of blood, puns, semi-homeless Magnus, wholesome content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25836121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coppergreen/pseuds/coppergreen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Dont_Write_Fics/pseuds/I_Dont_Write_Fics
Summary: Lup and Barry are EMTs with an almost supernatural track record of saving their patients.Meanwhile, Kravitz has a headache.OrImmediately following Fisher’s brainwipe Lucretia enrolled Magnus, Lup, and Barry in Neverwinter’s best college as undecided majors.Magnus lasted a year. He started working as a part-time firefighter two months into classes and somehow made it through finals before dedicating himself to working full time as a firefighter.Lup switched majors five times within her first year before “settling” on trying to get a nursing degree to see if the medical field was right for her before jumping on the MD train. Barry took all of two steps into the medical building to realize he was going to be a doctor.Magnus roped both of them into working at the firehouse.Set in the 12 years pre-story and song, college volunteer firefighters/EMTs AU.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans & Lup, Barry Bluejeans & Magnus Burnsides, Barry Bluejeans & Magnus Burnsides & Lup, Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Magnus Burnsides & Lup
Comments: 17
Kudos: 33





	1. I Don't Want No Scrubs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These authors? Dumbasses with a dream.  
> We don’t know medicine. We have absolutely no clue how AEDs or other medical machines or EMTs actually do their jobs. How I got First Aid certified twice? Happened? I have no clue.  
> Nice thing about AUs? Say the word fantasy and it works however we say it does.  
> We did some very minimal research on stuff. Be proud.  
> TAZ AU that had to be done.  
> I have EMOTIONS about Lucretia and Davenport. Don’t get me started.  
> Our first fic turned 1,900 words in a matter of three hours. Let us know what you think.  
> Writing style whiplash. Be forewarned.  
> Apparently its Barry POV kinda?...don’t know how that happened. But Here You Go!

Pulling away from the house, the ambulance picks up speed heading to the hospital. 

“Do you have any idea what’s wrong?” Magnus yells from the driver's seat.

Lup removes her hand from the patient’s wrist. “Barry, I can’t find a pulse. I need you to double check for it before I charge up the Fantasy AED.”

“Of course” Barry replies hurriedly, reaching to see if he could feel a pulse on the patient. He turns to Lup and shakes his head no. “Charge ‘er up.”

Lup quickly turns away from the man lying on the stretcher between her and Barry, grabbing the fAED off the wall of the ambulance beside her. She turns on the fAED which starts flashing with a red light and telling her what to do. “Barry, you need to scoot back so you aren’t touching the stretcher. This may not be the best idea in a moving vehicle.”

“Holy shit! You’re right.” They hear Magnus yell from the front seat. “Let me know when so I can slow down before you shock the poor guy.”

“It may not be the best idea, but he doesn’t have a pulse. Just... do it.” Barry replies hastily opening up the patient’s shirt and shifts away from the stretcher.

“CLEAR!” Lup yells and they feel the ambulance slow before placing the electrical pads onto the patient’s chest. They watch him convulse from the electrical current, and Lup sets the fAED down. Barry and Lup simultaneously reach for his wrists and in unison say “You will not die under our watch tonight. Come back.” Something sparks red under their hands. They look at each other nervously before Lup yells “CLEAR” again. They watch him convulse then sputter into a cough and start breathing as they feel his pulse come back.

Lup whispers under her breath, “I can’t believe that worked.”

She and Barry reach over the now-stable patient and entwine their hands smiling at each other in awe and disbelief. If it weren’t for the flash of red light still blinking off the fAED, you could almost see blushing beneath the sheen of sweat on their faces.

-

A plane away, a man-shaped being stands in a room of opulence and shadows, leafing through a book. If he had a face it would be twisting incredulously. He flips each page slower, reads even closer. Eventually, he stops. Sighs. Looks up into the dark mass looming over him, a raven skull twice his size cocked inquisitively in his direction. 

"My Queen." 

His voice is flat, but pleading.

"What the fuck."

***

Taako was gone. No one really knew how to take it. A note reading “Back Soon - Ko” left on the kitchen table was almost two weeks old now. Taako was never gone this long, especially not without Lup. But he was. The rest of the IPRE didn’t know what to do. Lup, Barry, and Magnus were on the ground searching through the remains of the cities following the use of the philosopher’s stone. Lucretia, Davenport and Merle stayed on the ship, analyzing the most recent intel on where the different artifacts had been used hoping to catch a trail of something distinctly Taako… but that trail never came. 

Months later Lup and Barry were still searching, spending almost every day on the ground helping the inhabitants of Faerûn following the use of the artifacts they had created. Merle joined them following particularly gruesome encounters where people needed both physical, but also spiritual healing. Magnus. Oh Magnus. He tried to be everywhere at once. He spent time on the Starblaster, analyzing data and trying to get a step ahead. He would spend months on the ground with Lup and Barry. There were times when he would disappear for a couple weeks at a time, helping rebuild villages after the wakes of destruction the artifacts caused. Davenport coordinated the search party for Taako but after the first couple months had passed, he focused his efforts on how to best guide those unfortunate enough to wield an artifact, in the hope that he could help curb the death toll of their creations.

On the one year anniversary of Taako’s disappearance, Lucretia made the executive decision. She was going to reclaim all of the artifacts to gain enough power to cut off this plane from the Hunger. After spending the last 6 months carefully combing through her duplicate notebooks of the past 100 year journey, she finally had the tale redacted enough that she could feed it to Fisher in order to give them all a life on the surface while she made things right. Merle got a home on the beach, with a large dwarven family that accepted him as their own within moments of meeting him. Davenport’s life was the mission, so he had to stay by her side. Fisher took everything from him. Lucretia found him lying on the floor next to the chess board he and Merle had been playing unmoving. Lucretia had to reteach him everything. How to talk, count, read. But that was too hard sometimes. So Lucretia kept him close, hoping to protect the once mighty captain of the ship from himself.

Lucretia enrolled Magnus, Lup, and Barry in Neverwinter’s best college and let them choose the path they _should_ have had the chance to choose a century ago before signing away their lives to one of the weirdest existences to have ever happened. 

Magnus lasted a year. He started working as a part-time firefighter two months into classes and somehow made it through his first year before dedicating himself to working full time as a firefighter.

Lup switched majors five times within her first year before “settling” on trying to get a nursing degree to see if the medical field was right for her before jumping on the MD train. Barry took all of two steps into the medical building to realize he was going to be a doctor.

***

It wasn’t until the end of their first semester of school that Lup, Barry, and Magnus all met at a CPR/fAED course.

Barry arrived at the classroom about eight minutes before the course was set to begin. Glancing around the room he took note of the instructor and three other students. He was caught unaware of the impending attack on his personal space as a large burly human with red hair and sideburns charged up to him yelling “BARRY! I SAW YOU WON THE ELECTION FOR STUDENT BODY REP FOR NEXT YEAR! CONGRATS!” and gave him a huge clap on the back. 

Barry straightened his books in his arms and looked up at the man in front of him wearing a white, clearly DIY muscle tee with the Fantasy Costco logo and grey sweatpants. 

"H-Hello. Hi. Yes. That’s me. I’m glad to be of service...um, and you are?”

“MAGNUS!!!”

“Hey there, big guy! High Five!” Barry heard from directly behind him and quickly sidestepped as a woman walked in the door. The woman and Magnus high fived but then proceeded to do another ten steps of a secret handshake as Barry watched transfixed inches away from their meticulous dance, ending with a hip bump. 

Magnus took a step back and asked “Lup what’s _up_? Your outfit looks AMAZING. It’s always fun to see you out of scrubs.” 

He was right. Barry took a moment to take in the woman standing in front of him. A woman slightly taller than him with curly bleached blonde hair with red tips tied back in a ponytail, a red crop top graphic tee with the image of Fantasy Elmo burning in the fires of hell, a pair of tight, high-waisted black leather pants held up by a jeweled belt and heeled black combat boots. She looked put together, horrifying, and hot as hell. 

“Wait. Scrubs?” Barry asked, slowly coming out of his awestruck trance.

Lup turned, “Yeah. I am hoping to be a doctor, but I'm taking the nursing route for now. We'll see where I end up.” She took a second to size him up. “And what are you…another student. _Obvs_ . Jeans and white tee means put together but not too much flavor, so anything artsy or people-ly is out the window. I’mma guess something sciency or hands-on. Wait. Is that the Fundamentals of Nursing by Yoost and Crawford? Are you going for Nursing? That would account for bland clothing choices 'cause scrubs are the uniform, but man I would hate to look that _drab_ all the time. You gotta have _flair_ when you _can_ m’dude.”

Barry reached to scratch the back of his neck. “Not quite. I’m actually hoping to become a doctor in the long run, but you know. Undergrad, gotta get those prereqs out of the way, amirite? It seems kinda like we are following the same general path...”

Magnus elbowed her in the side, “Come on Lup, be nice to the guy. He’s the new student body rep for our class!” Lup glanced up at Magnus in disbelief and then at Barry who half-waved with a pile of books in his hands. And then Lup broke down laughing.

“Of course! That’s where I recognized you from! ‘When you’re BARRY’d in schoolwork, let me give you the tools to make getting your BLUEJEANS dirty worth it!’” She doubled over. “I can’t believe you posted that ALL. OVER. CAMPUS.”

Barry swallowed dryly. “I’m not a marketing or graphic design major for a reason. I asked my roommate to make me a campaign slogan and signs for me to put up and then the next day they were _everywhere_. Without executive approval.” He chuckled a little under his breath, “I mean. I didn’t have to waste my own printing money, and you recognized me... for better or worse.” 

“I’ll give you that. I’d rather die than be known for that sign, but to each their own.” Lup replied stifling back laughter.

Magnus turned to them. “We should really sit down, the CPR course is going to start in a minute.”

“Ok, ok. Lead the way, big fella.” Lup said and followed him to the second row of the classroom.

Barry didn’t know if he was actually invited to sit with them so he just followed them and went to sit a row directly behind Magnus and Lup. Just as he slowed to go into the row behind them, Magnus turned around and said “Where are you going? There’s a seat for you right here!” and pulled out a chair beside him. Barry took another couple steps to the pulled out chair, set down his books and looked over at his two new acquaintances. 

“Thanks for letting me join you guys,” Barry whispered as the class was starting.

“Of course. Nerds are welcome here anytime.” He heard Lup snicker on the other side of Magnus who elbowed her.

Magnus turned to look directly at Barry. “We mean it. If you want to study or hang out after class I’d love to show you the rec room at the firehouse.”

Barry was taken aback by the offer. “Uh...sure?”


	2. Follow You Wherever You May Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry paused for a moment to take in the “rec room.” He didn’t quite know what to expect when Magnus said the words “rec room.” Was he expecting a huge room with a full gym, concession stand, and computer lab? Of course not. Was he expecting a room just slightly larger than his dorm room that somehow crammed in a circle table with chairs, two bean bags chairs currently occupied by Magnus and Lup, a giant bookshelf filled with board games and a singular row of books on the top shelf, a small radio and a full foosball table all in a very tight space? Also no.

“I can’t believe you freaked out when you realized you might end up breaking someone’s ribs when you’re doing CPR,” Lup said to Barry as the three of them stepped out of the medical building and started walking toward the quad.

“I mean. I’m not surprised, but I didn’t  _ expect _ that the mannequin would actually make a noise as if you broke a rib. That was not a sensation nor a sound I was expecting from a machine. It threw me off guard.” Barry replied defensively.

“It was kinda funny watching the teacher’s face as you yelped and fell over.” Magnus chuckled and turned so he was walking backwards facing Barry and Lup. “She looked so broken.”

“How was I supposed to know it was supposed to do that and I wasn’t just breaking the machinery inside?” Barry said, dead inside.

Lup wrapped her arm around Barry’s shoulder. “Hey. It’s okay. They really should give a disclaimer that those things are unbreakable. Either way. It was funny and hey- we got certified anyway, didn’t we?”

Barry looked down at the card in his hand, “We did... somehow.”

“I really enjoyed hanging with you both, and if you’re free I’d love for you to join me, but I have to go to the firehouse. I’m on call tonight so I need to be on the premises in case a call comes in.” Magnus told Lup and Barry as they reached the quad. “Like I said before class started, there’s a rec room at the firehouse where we can hang out or study or whatever. The offer stands. I understand if you’re busy and need to study or have other plans, but the door is always open at the firehouse, and if you can’t find me on campus, that’s where I’ll be.”

“You  _ know _ I’m always down for some foosball, my man!” Lup replied with a huge grin and then turned to look at Barry. “You in, my dude?”

Barry looked down at the pile of books in his arms which were going to accompany about ten hours of homework that got assigned that day, and were going to be due Monday. “I have a whole weekend. These books can wait one night.”

“Hell! Yeah!” Lup pumped her fist in the air. “Foosball tourney tonight!”

***

Barry followed Magnus and Lup to the firehouse two blocks from campus. From across the street Barry took in the two-story, red brick building with two huge bay doors for the firetrucks to enter through, a smattering of windows on the second floor, and a normal person-sized door to the right of the bay doors. When they got into the firehouse one of the firetrucks was already gone, so there was a huge section of the main floor empty. About three quarters of the way back was a fire pole. The far back of the firehouse had two offices bookending a staircase that lead upstairs and another door on the far left. 

“Welcome to my second home.” Magnus turned to Barry as they entered the main bay of the firehouse. “The main truck is out as you can tell, so it’s really good I’m here now, cause we need at least two to operate the truck. There are two offices in the back.” He turned and pointed. “The one on the right is the Chief’s and the one on the left is our 'headquarters' where we hold meetings, post news, check in when we are on-duty, and all that jazz. The far left corner has the one and only bathroom in the joint, so remember that before you set up camp. We're gonna head upstairs, cause that’s where the rec room is. Also, as you can tell, there isn’t much to do down here other than clean.”

They made their way upstairs, which had a small foyer with the fire pole followed by four rooms on either side of the hallway with different name placards on each one. At the far end, the front of the building, there were two more rooms. Magnus led them down the hall. 

“Each firefighter who volunteers eight or more hours a week gets their own 'office' to do with how they please,” he said and gestured to the second door on the right which had “Magnus Burnsides” on the placard. “Like I said before, when I’m not on campus, I’m basically always here.” He opened the door and Barry looked in. At first glance, it looked like an office with a desk and a lamp, but upon further inspection he saw a cot in the back of the room with a sleeping bag and an open suitcase on the floor. 

Magnus closed the door again, led Barry and Lup further down the hall, and stood between the two doors at the end of the hallway. “To your right is the kitchen. There’s a fridge, microwave and sink. If you need anything else, ask. There are so many cabinets in there.” Magnus said with a forlorn expression on his face “ _ So many. _ To your left is the rec room! A-K-A the best room in the firehouse,” Magnus said with glee, running into the room, and the next thing Barry and Lup heard was the sound of a weird crounch. Lup ran in after him and Barry stepped into the room just in time to see Lup airborne about to crash into a huge bean bag. “Welcome to my humble abode! What do you think?” 

Barry paused for a moment to take in the “rec room.” He didn’t quite know what to expect when Magnus said the words “rec room.” Was he expecting a huge room with a full gym, concession stand, and computer lab? Of course not. Was he expecting a room just slightly larger than his dorm that somehow crammed in a circle table with chairs, two bean bags chairs currently occupied by Magnus and Lup, a giant bookshelf filled with board games and a singular row of books on the top shelf, a small radio and a full foosball table all in a  _ very  _ tight space? Also no.

“It looks amazing, Magnus,” Barry replied. “Honestly I was afraid it was going to be a weight lifting room or something. I mean, I know Lup said foosball, but one can never be too sure.” 

“Hey!” Lup laughed “ I mean what I say and say what I mean.”

“You did once tell me that the dried fettuccine in the lobby of Fantasy Olive Garden was supposed to be an appetizer.” Magnus shot her a glare. “IT TOOK ME MONTHS OF VISITING FANTASY OLIVE GARDEN AND ANOTHER  _ ACTUAL _ FRIEND TO CALL YOU OUT ON YOUR BULLSHIT!” He finished with a shaking full-body laugh.

“Like I said. I say what I mean. I meant with every fiber of my being that  _ you _ should eat it as an appetizer because I could not WAIT to see your face when you found out. I just left that second part out.” Lup had doubled over in her bean bag chair at this point from laughter as Barry set down his books onto the round table and joined in with their laughter at this ridiculous story.

“You can’t be serious. You did that to Magnus?” Barry managed to get out between fits of laughter. “What did he ever do to you for that level of betrayal?” 

“It was the  _ first time we met _ okay? How was I supposed to know he had never been to a Fantasy Olive Garden before? That he would  _ actually _ fall for it?” Lup wheezed out. “After it was said, it was too late. Magnus the Munch Munch Boi had reached a level of legend that even  _ I _ could only aspire to attain.”

The rest of the night passed in a blur. Lup came out the foosball champion, but only barely, as Barry had given her a run for her money, which she did  _ not _ expect. They had Fantasy Chef Boyardee and gummy owlbears for dinner as they talked about school, Barry and Lup’s ambition to become doctors, Magnus’ turmoil about possibly dropping out of school and working as a firefighter full-time or staying in school and working part-time, all with spattered stories of embarrassment, hilarity, and chaos from throughout their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please leave kudos or comments! More chapters are on the way and are mostly written! So stay tuned!


	3. Stuck A Feather In His Cap And Called It Macaroni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry to hear you had a rough day Barry- Wait. Magnus? Did you just say you put corn in the mac-n-cheese?” Fire Chief Andrea looked at him with pure horror as she stepped further into the room to get a good look at the chunky, vibrant yellow sludge he had just been shoveling into his mouth.  
> ...  
> “I understand you're in school and all, but planning ahead to next summer… I'd be willing to front the costs to get you EMT certified,” said Chief Andrea, “I’ve known Magnus long enough to know that he would only bring good people to the firehouse, so the offer stands. I'll give you a week to think it over, which would give me enough time to talk with the commission and get you into the spring certification classes... It would be nice to have a semi-complete staff again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is self-indulgent because the world needs more fics with caring and helpful friends, some WHOLESOME respect that people need time to make decisions, comfort food, and laughter.
> 
> OC is Fantasy Minnesotan. Fight us.

With the end of the first semester of college quickly approaching, Lup and Barry often frequented the rec room at the firehouse to study and spend time with Magnus. 

“It’s not that I don’t like my roommate, but he just doesn’t focus on school? I can understand that he wants to party and stuff, and yeah that’s fine, but I need to get good grades in these classes, because if I don’t get a 3.25 GPA average for these core curriculum I won’t be accepted into the pre-med program.” Barry started ranting as he walked into the rec room after a long day of classes. He threw his books and backpack on the table, and flung himself onto one of the bean bags in the back of the room. “I can’t study when he’s  _ bro-ing _ out in the dorm room before a party. Or just in  _ general  _ when he’s in the room. He’s just straight up obnoxious.”

“I’m sorry to hear that bud,” Magnus said loudly from the kitchen next door. “Do you want some signature Magnus de-stress mac-n-cheese with corn and Fantasy Velveeta? Or the microwave delicacy, Fantasy Hot Pockets?”

Barry gagged involuntarily at the mention of the mac-n-cheese with corn and Fantasy Velveeta, but then the ever so strong urge for creamy cheese possessed him, and ignoring his best judgement he replied, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but your so called  _ ‘signature  _ mac-n-cheese’ please.”

“Hell yeah! I’ll get it started. Lup always goes crazy for it too, so I’ll just make a triple batch!” 

“T-triple?” Barry muttered under his breath in what could only be described as fear as he saw Lup make her way to the top of the stairs.

***

Magnus walked into the rec room with a giant -and I mean  _ massive- _ bowl of mac-n-cheese and headed to the round table where Lup and Barry were sitting and quizzing each other using flashcards. “Grub’s ready!” he said as he set down the bowl in the middle of the table, pulled out three spoons from his back pocket, and handed one to each of them. “It’s best when it’s all nice and fresh and gooey. I recommend not waiting too long to eat it.”

Lup glanced at Magnus as he pulled up a chair across from them at the table, and started digging right in. “Thanks Mags. Our resident nerd has three more flashcards left and then we’ll eat.” Glancing away from the food, her stomach growled loudly as she read the flashcard she was holding in her hand “Okay. Where is the Brachiordoris?” 

Barry paused for a second, then muttering to himself, ran his hand along the outside of his forearm, stretching it out with his thumb facing away from his body. “It’s the most exterior of the three muscles in the forearm.” He moved his pointer finger an inch toward the middle of his forearm. “The middle one is called Flexor Carpi Radialis and the one following from the pinky is called Palmaris Longus.” He looked up at Lup nervously, and with a crack in his voice asked, “Right?”

Lup flicked through the last two notecards then looked at Barry with genuine excitement, “Congrats! You got them all!” She set the last cards onto the inch-tall pile on the side of the table. She opened her mouth to say something else but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

A tall, buff tiefling woman with deep blue-brown skin, black hair tied back in a tight, intricately braided bun with two small horns poking out from the front of the braid, stood in the door frame of the rec room. She was wearing a loose blue flannel, white tee, black pants with a simple black belt, and some Fantasy Crocs. “I thought I smelled your..um… I guess you could argue it was cooking, even though we don’t own a stove, Magnus?” 

He paused with the heaping spoonful halfway up to his mouth, and then lowered it. “Chief Andrea. This is another friend of mine from college, Barry.” Barry gave a small wave. “Barry had a rough day so I offered to make him my signature mac-n-cheese with Fantasy Velveeta and corn, while they memorized veins or muscles or something.”

“I’m sorry to hear you had a rough day, Ba- Wait... Magnus? Did you just say you put  _ corn  _ in the mac-n-cheese?” She looked at him with pure horror as she stepped into the room to get a good look at the chunky, vibrant yellow sludge he had just been shoveling into his mouth.

Magnus set his spoon on the table and pouted, “Yeah... It’s how my mom used to make it. I know it’s not for everybody, but it’s a Burnsides comfort food.” He looked back up at Chief Andrea, and asked with clear excitement, “Would you like to try some?”

“You have  _ no  _ idea how torn I am,” Chief Andrea replied with a chuckle. “ _ My _ mom used to make mac-n-cheese with Fantasy Velveeta.  _ That’s  _ what I smelled in my office and why I came up… but corn?  _ Corn? _ ”

Magnus grabbed the spoon he had placed next to Barry, then reached to hand it to her. “Don’t knock it till you try it, Chief. Like I said, I know it’s not everyone’s taste, but I've introduced this to  _ lots  _ of people and only one hasn’t liked it.”

She cautiously grabbed the spoon Magnus was holding out to her and walked up to the table, looked down at Magnus, then the bowl, and then slowly scooped up some of the mac-n-cheese. She eyed the vibrant yellow monstrosity over one last time before she put it in her mouth and chewed it slowly.

“I’ll say, it’s  _ in-tere-sting _ . The texture is  _ kinda  _ odd... but I don’t  _ hate  _ it.” Chief Andrea sat down in the last empty chair at the table, and dipped the spoon in the bowl to take another bite. “I can’t believe I’m saying this about mac-n-cheese with  _ corn... _ but this might be one of the best mac-n-cheeses I’ve ever had.” 

Lup took that comment as invitation to start chowing down, as Magnus dug his spoon back into the bowl as well.

“Hey. Um. Magnus?” Barry asked quietly, “Where do you keep the spoons?”

“Oh. My.  _ Goodness _ .” Chief Andrea tried to say, a spoonful of food in her mouth, then continued horrified, “He gave me your spoon. And I didn’t even think twice.” She set her spoon down on the table and stood back up, “I’m  _ so  _ sorry, Barry. Let me go grab you a spoon.” She looked around the table, “Anything else you guys need from the kitchen?”

Both Lup and Magnus shook their heads no as they continued to shovel the mac-n-cheese into their mouths. Barry just shrugged his shoulders.

“O-Kay then. I’ll be right back,” Chief Andrea replied and left for the kitchen. 

From the kitchen, Barry heard the sounds of drawers opening and closing, and utensils clattering against each other, before she returned in a huff. She handed a comically large spoon to Barry with a remorseful look. “This was the  _ only  _ spoon left in the drawer.” She shot Magnus a disheartened yet amused glare, “ _ Usually _ there are enough spoons for all the firefighters on duty to eat,  _ without  _ us having to eat with a  _ serving spoon _ but our chef apparently likes to have a  _ wide variety _ of cooking utensils.” 

“See, I cooked a triple batch. If I’d known that you’d be joining us, I’d’ve made a quadruple batch and saved you a spoon.” Magnus jokingly retorted, “I was  _ Deliberate.  _ And  _ Thoughtful.  _ with the use of each and every spoon.  _ You’re _ the one who tipped the mac-n-cheese equilibrium on its head!” he finished with a chuckle and another spoonful.

Chief Andrea chuckled, “O-Kay. That’s fair, Magnus.” 

Before scooping up another helping of mac-n-cheese, she turned to Lup and Barry and asked seriously, “So, correct me if I’m wrong, but your names are Barry and Lup, right? Like Fantasy Blue _ Barry _ Frööt  _ Lup _ s?” 

Lup snorted, “That is genuinely the  _ wildest  _ way I’ve ever heard someone remember my name. I don’t know about you Bar, but that was just...buck wild.”

“Hey, it worked though,” Chief Andrea said, proud of herself. “It’s a new technique I’ve been trying, in order to remember people’s names better. My goal is to try and know people’s names after only being introduced  _ once _ , and it  _ has _ been about a week since I met you.” She paused a moment and turned to Barry, “So, how  _ did  _ you meet these two  _ characters _ ?”

“HEY!” Magnus and Lup exclaimed.

Barry ate another bite of mac-n-cheese and replied, “They kind of adopted me into their group after meeting me at a CPR/fAED class. Lup and I are both going the medical route in school, thus the muscle flashcards beside you, and honestly, it’s nice having a study partner. And I mean, no one beats Magnus for moral support, comfort food, and quality distraction.”

“Huh. So both of you are going into the medical field?” Chief Andrea asked, “Would you be interested in some real-world experience?”

Barry and Lup looked at each other inquisitively then turned to Chief Andrea, and Lup asked, “What are you thinking of, Andy?” 

“I’d rather you don’t call me that. If anything, Chief will do. Anyways, our EMTs who had worked at the station for almost 15 years  _ just  _ retired and moved to Phandalin, so the firehouse is in desperate need of EMTs for local calls. This  _ is  _ a volunteer firehouse, but we do compensate what we can for people who work here full-time. It’s not  _ great _ , but you’d be doing a major service for our community, and get to put your CPR certification to good use.” Chief Andrea explained. 

“I understand you're in school and all, but planning ahead to next summer… I'd be willing to front the costs to get you EMT certified. You would already have completed some of the requirements given the classes you're taking in school, so there’s a good chance that between that and the little bit of swing I have with the local authorities that we could have you certified before the spring semester is up,” she said with a smile. “I’ve known Magnus long enough to know that he would only bring good people to the firehouse, so the offer stands. I'll give you a week to think it over, which would give me enough time to talk with the commission and get you into the spring certification classes... It would be  _ nice  _ to have a semi-complete staff again.”

“I’m in,” Lup replied without a moment’s hesitation. “If I can help others and get some experience under my belt, I’m in.” 

“Glad to hear it!” Chief Andrea said with a smile.

Barry paused for a moment, processing everything she had just said.

“Like I said, you have a week to think it over. There’s no rush in deciding now, Barry.” Chief Andrea continued, “You have many options as a student and I want you to feel like you’re making the right choice.”

“Thanks,” Barry smiled back at Chief Andrea, “I’ll let you know within the next couple of days, I just want to sit with the decision for a bit to make sure I won’t regret it for any reason.”

“I’m  _ always  _ happy to hear that,” Chief Andrea replied, “you know where to find me when you decide.” Standing up from the table, she took the now empty giant bowl, collected everyone’s spoons, and started to walk out toward the kitchen. “I’ll let you continue studying and chatting. It was great to see you again Lup, and meet you Barry. I look forward to seeing you around the firehouse,” she finished as she left the room.

***

Two days later, Barry walked back to the firehouse in the middle of the day between classes. He went straight to Chief Andrea’s office, which was standing empty, and left a note reading: 

“I’m in. See you soon. - Barry”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE TO CANON: In THIS AU, the monstrosity that is Fantasy Velveeta does not contain lactose. I WILL SPARE OUR GOOD GOOD BOY FROM THAT PAIN!!!
> 
> The corn in mac-n-cheese section of this fic is honestly probably gonna be my peak writing for the rest of my life. Writing it. Editing it. Wholesome. Perfect.
> 
> For some reason this turned into a Magnus cooking/eating fic, and as a Taurus I should have seen this section of my subconscious coming, but I mean.... Welcome to fantasy college cuisine hell.
> 
> (The mac-n-cheese with Velveeta and corn was entirely based on a real-life experience where I was faced with the existential dread of trying that frightening goo in college.)


	4. Take Me Home Country Roads To The Place I Belong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus was mid-shot when the door swung open and Lup walked in carrying three bags of groceries and yelled, “EVERYBODY! FINALS ARE OVER! LET’S FEAST!”  
> ...  
> Lup took in a shaky breath and looked Barry in the eyes. “What went wrong?” Her voice wavered, “What’s happening?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, My Name’s [Redacted] And I Can’t Stop Writing Food Scenes And I Don’t Know Why.  
> The chapter where Magnus uses his vehicle proficiency to drive the ambulance.  
> Again, we don’t actually understand medicine. It’s an attempt. Do NOT take this fic as medical advice. It’s for Fun. Can’t you just have FUN for an hour and NOT TRY TO DIAGNOSE YOUR MYSTERY BOIL. You’re Worth It.  
> Fair warning, this chapter starts wholesome, gets tense, and ends kinda wholesome again..ish?

Summer had come and Chief Andrea kept her side of the bargain. She paid for Barry and Lup to get EMT certified, just in time for the end of the spring semester. She gave them the offices to the right of Magnus’ leading toward the rec room. They were set to start working full-time on-call for medical emergencies from the firehouse that evening.

Barry and Magnus had their last final early in the morning, so they spent the day playing basketball in the bay of the firehouse while one of the firetrucks was out getting washed. Lup’s last final was in the early afternoon. Magnus was mid-shot when the door swung open and Lup walked in carrying three bags of groceries and yelled, “EVERYBODY! FINALS ARE OVER! LET’S FEAST!”

The basketball swished through the hoop and Magnus cried out. “Hell yeah!” and jogged over to Lup to give her a hand with the bags.

The three of them and Chief Andrea made their way up to the kitchen, bags in hand, and then started spreading out the food across the counters. 

Barry watched as Magnus and Lup started unpacking the bags in a fervor. Lup pulled out different chips, candies, chocolates, popcorn, and other munchies. Magnus pulls out a variety of pop and energy drinks. Chief Andrea looked over at the wide variety of unhealthy snack foods laying out across the counter with a chuckle and pulled out a roasted chicken from the grocery store along with potato wedges and coleslaw. 

“I brought a side of _meal_ to go with your main course of _snacks_ ,” Chief Andrea said as she pulled plates and silverware out of the drawers and set them on the counter, “Dig in.”

With those two words, Magnus did not hold back. Lup and Chief Andrea took a step back as they realized out of nowhere, Magnus had pulled out a knife and was carving the chicken, taking both drumsticks for himself, cut open the bag of potato wedges and poured them onto his plate until it was almost half full, and finally grabbed one of the bags of popcorn and a pop while gleefully strolling out of the kitchen heading toward the rec room. 

“Well shit.” Chief Andrea commented under her breath, “I know he’s a hungry boy, but usually he isn’t quite as ravenous.” Raising her voice she called after him, “ _MAGNUS? Where_ did you get that knife _?”_

Barry and Lup just looked at eachother, then suddenly burst out laughing, because as horrifying as that was, they had never seen anything quite so _Magnus_.

“You all should go next, you bought everything.” Barry said to Lup and Chief Andrea.

Chief Andrea shook her head, “I appreciate the offer boy-o, but I’m gonna pull the adult card. You go next. While you may be slightly more civil than Magnus, you are still a hungry boy in college.” She took a plate and handed it to Barry. “Besides, after you’ve taken what you want, Lup and I can just claim all the rest.” She smiled at Lup, who shot her back finger guns.

Barry filled up his plate, grabbed a drink, and made his way to the rec room, followed shortly thereafter by Lup and Chief Andrea.

Lup ripped open a can of Fantasy Monster and raised it in the air, “Cheers to the three of us! On all future applications that ask for our highest level of education we can now check ‘some college’!” 

Barry and Magnus followed suit, raising their respective drinks in the air. With his mouth full, Magnus replied “Here, here!” and clinked his drink with Lup’s and Barry’s. 

Barry felt a rush of pride. He had done it. He had gotten a student rep position, got into the pre-med program, and most importantly he had _made friends._ Barry went into the school year focused entirely on classes. He had repeatedly caught himself thinking _I don’t need friends. Just get positions, get noticed on campus, get the degree, and make a difference while you can_ throughout the first semester. But now? He looked at the people he was sitting around the table with. Magnus, a burly man who had a bigger heart than anyone he had ever met before. Lup, a ferociously energetic, caring, and absolutely insane girl who he couldn’t wait to get to know better. And Chief Andrea, who had taken them under her wing, let them become at home in the firehouse, watched over them, and celebrated with them through it all. “We did it.” Barry said, full of thankfulness and accomplishment.

***

It was the second week of the summer, and Barry and Lup had tagged along with the firefighters to a couple of house fires. They tended the wounded and lended a helping hand in processing the trauma. They helped clean some cuts and scrapes, put on a splint for a broken arm, and helped bring a patient to the hospital after getting a concussion. Today was seemingly no different than any other day at the firehouse. Barry, Lup, and Magnus were sitting around the table in the rec room playing Fantasy Monopoly when their first call came in. 

Through their stones of farspeech, Barry, Lup, and Magnus all heard the panicked voice, “Hello? EMTs? I need help! My brother-” The three of them stood up, grabbed their stones of farspeech and started jogging down the hall to the firepole. The voice continued, “He ate some of the elderberries I had on the counter that I was going to use to make jam tomorrow. But they were _uncooked!_ He’s vomiting and having trouble breathing.” Sliding down the firepole, Lup yelled to Magnus to run and start the ambulance while Barry and Lup grabbed the medkits. “ _Please_ come quickly! I don’t have the antidote for _cyanide_!” They heard the voice crack as it rambled off their address.

Chief Andrea stepped out of her office and told them, “I’ll call ahead to the hospital and let them know you’re coming. Do you have the antidote in the medkits?” 

Lup and Barry were running full speed to the ambulance as Lup yelled back, “ _Yes,_ but if they ingested it, there’s no knowing how fast it’s going to react. So we need to get there. _Now._ ” They jumped into the ambulance and closed the door just as Magnus hit the acceleration.

Barry took a second to orient himself on the drive. He pulled out the antidote he had in his medpack and said over the sound of the sirens, “Lup. Magnus. I have the antidote right here. It’s hooked up to an IV solution, so we need to get him on a stretcher and get the IV in him as soon as possible. Then we need to get to the hospital. Lup, cyanide poisoning leads to asphyxiation, right? We should ready an oxygen tank.”

Lup quickly grabbed the oxygen tank out from a side compartment, and hooked up a mask to it, in case it were to come to that. 

“We’re here!” Magnus shouted from the driver’s seat, hitting the brakes in front of a small one-story house.

All three sprung from the vehicle. Barry and Lup ran up to the door of the house, and Magnus circled to the back of the ambulance, opening the back and readying the stretcher. Just as Lup went to knock on the door, it flew open and a younger elf woman cried, “Follow me!” 

They didn’t have to follow her far to make it into the kitchen, where they saw a younger elven man laying on the floor curled up vomiting into a bucket. He looked sickly pale and had blood running down his nose. 

Barry quickly knelt at his side. “Hey. My name’s Barry. Your sister told us you accidentally ate some elderberries,” he said in a soothing voice, “I’m going to put in an IV to counteract the cyanide in the elderberries, okay?” He uncurled the man’s arm from around the bucket, handed Lup the IV bag, and took the cap off the needle. He quickly scanned the arm and saw veins clearly rising from the skin, “This is just going to be a quick prick. I promise.” Barry carefully inserted the needle into the man’s arm and attached the IV fluid. “See, that wasn’t too bad.” 

Barry looked up at the elven woman standing above him. “We are going to take him to Neverwinter Hospital. The antidote should work, but there may be complications depending on the amount of berries he ingested and how his system is reacting to them.” Just then Magnus entered the kitchen with the stretcher. Magnus and Barry carefully moved the young elven man onto the stretcher as Lup held the IV. 

Lup turned to the elven woman, “Is there anything else we should know? Underlying health history? Allergies? Unusual behavior, besides the obvious?”

The woman shook her head. “He decided to surprise me today by making us a fancy dinner to celebrate Faerûn Twin Day. I had just gotten back from work and he was in the kitchen chopping up veggies for shepherds pie.” Lup handed the IV bag to Magnus as they wheeled the man out. Lup walked beside the woman as she kept explaining faster and faster, “He mentioned his hands feeling like they were going numb and then said he didn’t feel good. It was only a couple minutes later that he collapsed on the floor holding his stomach so I grabbed him a bucket to throw up in and I noticed the bowl of elderberries I picked yesterday was half empty. That’s when I called you,” she said a mile a minute with tears streaming down her face. “I didn’t expect him to come over, otherwise I wouldn’t have left the berries on the counter. I usually have a bowl of berries for _snacking_ on the counter. He didn’t know better.”

Lup asked softly, “Can I touch your back?” The woman nodded her head, so Lup placed her hand on the woman’s back and started rubbing it slowly. “It’s not your fault. Everything should be okay. We gave him the antidote, so he should come to within an hour or two. He should be just fine. You can ride in the ambulance with us as we go to the hospital. Would you like that?” 

The woman nodded, so Lup led her to the ambulance, still talking softly to her. She helped her into the passenger seat next to Magnus, who turned to her, “We’re gonna get him to the hospital as fast as we can. I’m going to need you to buckle up so you can stay safe. Lup and Barry are gonna take care of him in the back while we drive.” She nodded again and got buckled in. Lup hopped in the back with Barry and the stretcher and closed the doors.

As the ambulance pulled away from the house, Barry watched in horror as the elven man laying on the stretcher started to convulse, choking. “LUP. OXYGEN. NOW.”

In the front of the ambulance, the elven woman tried to turn to look into the back, panic setting in, “Is he okay? What’s-what’s happening???” 

Magnus lowered his voice and started talking to her to calm her down, after a moment he said louder, “Now. Here. Can you help me name the streets as we pass them?” 

Lup quickly grabbed the mask she had prepared and placed it over his mouth. She took in a shaky breath and looked Barry in the eyes. “What went wrong?” her voice wavered, “What’s happening?” 

Barry shook his head, “I… I don’t know. The antidote works relatively quickly, but what we gave him should have stabilized him.” 

The man’s eyes opened wide as he started gasping for breath, grabbing at the mask trying to get it off. 

“Sir. The mask is giving you _oxygen_. It’s trying to help you,” Lup said with a panic in her voice that Barry quickly picked up on. 

Barry looked the man in the eyes, “Sir. We are almost to the hospital. Hold on,” then turned to the front of the ambulance and shouted, “MAGNUS! WE NEED TO BE THERE. _NOW_.” 

He felt the ambulance gain more speed as Magnus yelled back, “We’re five minutes away! I’m going as fast as I can!”

Lup looked at the man gasping for breath who seemed to be getting weaker and weaker by the second and whispered, “Fuck. Bar. What do we do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if there _is_ anything we can do. The effects of the elderberries would have stopped. This has to be something else, but I have absolutely no idea what it could be.” 

The man thrashed for a moment looking wildly around the ambulance, unable to breathe. 

Lup placed her hand on his shoulder and said softly, “Hey, look at me.” The man locked eyes with her as his eyes started to unfocus. Lup took a short breath, “It’s okay. We’re right here. We’re gonna get you the help you need.” Barry watched as the man’s eyes completely glazed over as Lup talked to him. She didn’t stop talking to him even after the man stopped moving, even after Barry reached over and held her hand. 

They felt the ambulance slow and heard the doors swing open. Trauma nurses rolled the stretcher out of the ambulance and Barry quickly followed. Lup took a moment longer to pry herself from her position and followed Barry to stand beside him. He opened the passenger door, and guided the elven woman to follow him into the hospital. Barry passed her off to one of the nurses and quickly returned to the ambulance where Lup and Magnus were waiting. 

Lup looked at Barry and Magnus, and asked with forced energy, “I guess we head back to the firehouse now, huh?”

Barry and Magnus both took a beat. “Yeah, I guess so,” Barry responded, then walked to the back of the ambulance as Lup sat in the passenger side with Magnus.

Barry felt a pit in his stomach, looked down at his hands and around the cabin before glancing to the front of the ambulance where he could see the silhouettes of his two friends. Magnus and Lup, the two lighthearted, kind, and funny people he’d grown to know and love, sat silently, staring out the windshield as they drove back to the firehouse.

***

They arrived at the firehouse and got out of the ambulance without a word. 

Chief Andrea stepped out of her office upon hearing the ambulance’s doors open and shut, and seeing their vacant expressions whispered to herself, “Oh shit,” then retreated back into her office and turned on her hot pot to make some tea.

Barry watched Lup walk upstairs by herself. He didn’t know what to do. _Should I follow her? Should I give her space?_ He paused at the base of the stairs and watched as Magnus walked over, and gestured for the two of them to go into Chief Andrea’s office.

They stepped in just as she set down a third glass of tea at the edge of her desk, and took a sip of her own. She paused for a second and walked over to the door of her office. She turned to Barry and Magnus concerned, “Where’s Lup?”

Barry exhaled, “She went upstairs. I didn’t know if I should follow her or give her space, then Magnus waved me in here.”

“Yeah,” Chief Andrea said with a sigh, “Let’s give her a couple minutes to process but then one of you needs to go up there and make sure she doesn’t spiral.” She took another sip of her tea, “I’m gonna take it that things didn’t go well.”

Magnus looked at Barry worriedly, “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it either, but when we got in the ambulance it seemed like he was going to be fine…”

Barry took a deep breath, grounding himself, “We thought it was the elderberries, but there was something else that had similar effects. The antidote would have worked, but whatever else was in his system killed him before we could get to the hospital.” He took another breath and a sip of his tea before continuing, “It was almost like Lup went into a trance, she started talking to him just as he was losing consciousness but then didn’t stop until they pulled the stretcher out of the ambulance. She…it’s like she didn’t want to believe what had just happened.” Barry looked down at the floor, “There wasn’t anything we could do.”

Chief Andrea set down her mug, “Barry, look at me.” He looked up. “You _have_ to believe that. You did everything in your power to help. You _aren’t_ fully trained doctors. You are certified and licensed EMTs, which means that you did more for him than myself or Magnus could have. You did _everything_ you could.” Barry nodded.

She turned to Magnus, “You know Lup better than anyone, who would be best to approach her right now?”

“Honestly? Probably me. She knows we can just sit in silence and that’s okay. She might feel like you would be pressuring her to talk if you went in. I’ve got this.” Magnus gulped down the rest of his tea and refilled the mug before grabbing the mug that had been made for Lup and heading upstairs.

***

Lup sat silently on the cot in Magnus’ office. She could have gone to her own office, but she felt safer here. Magnus always made her feel safer.

Magnus knocked softly on the doorframe of his office, “Hey Lup, you don’t need to talk or anything, but are you okay if I come and sit with you?”

He heard a mumble and the sound of her shifting on the cot and took that as an invitation to enter. Other than the mound of blankets - and presumably Lup - on his cot, nothing else in his office was out of place. He made his way over to the cot, sat down next to her, and asked quietly, “Can I touch you, Lup?”

She nodded, and then fell onto her side, her head resting in Magnus’ lap. He slowly began to rub small circles on her back and held her close.

It wasn’t until maybe ten minutes later that there was another knock on the door, and Barry leaned in, “Hey Lup, I know you have Magnus to lean on, but I just want to let you know. I am here for you too. I care about you a lot, and I hope you know that what happened today wasn’t your fault. It never was and never will be.”

“Get over here you doofus,” Lup murmured.

Barry quickly made his way onto the cot as well, and they all just sat together. Holding each other. _Being_. With each other.

***

A plane away, a man-shaped being in a black brocade suit stood at the edge of an iridescent sea. Before him was a line of souls, all varying in translucence but equally tired. He flipped a page in the tome he was holding and looked up at the young elven man at the front of the line.

“Please tell me your name and cause of death," he droned, glancing down again at the book.

“My name's Darrin, and I’m guessing elderberry?” the elven man replied.

The man-shaped being flipped another page, tracing the list of names with a bony finger.

“Darrin...Darrin. Ah. Here you are. Cause of death, Aconite? What? What even-?”

Darrin gave the man-shaped being a hazy, confused look, “Dude, I have no idea what that is. My sister is into Druid shit like foraging for food and I wanted to do something nice, so I like grabbed some veggies from the forest and was making her a shepards pie when I felt a weird numbness? I'd been snacking on some berries she left on the counter and when she noticed she flipped her shit and called the ambulance. She said that the berries were elderberries and you can't eat them raw, so I guess that’s what killed me? The EMTs gave me an antidote, but it didn’t seem to help.”

“No, you _idiot._ Of course it didn’t help. You were dying by the time you got to her _house_.” The man-shaped being huffed and shook his head, the clatter of bone against bone disdainful.

“Does _no one_ teach people which plants are poisonous anymore?? For fucks sake. There was no chance _anyone_ could have saved you.” He paused for a moment, giving the impression his brow would have been furrowing if he had one, “Wait. What are EMTs?”

Darrin gave a ghostly, incredulous laugh, “They’re...the Emergency Medicine Team? If you call for a health problem they’ll come to help and like, take you to the hospital.”

“Huh. That’s a new development on the Material Plane. I’m going to have to look into it.” The man-shaped being gestured for Darrin to walk forward.

Darrin stepped into the sea and dissolved into the swirling iridescence that filled this plane, leaving one last, joyous laugh to ripple through the Sea of Souls.

"Next," the man-shaped being called, and the line of souls advanced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aconite is a plant whose roots can be mistaken for carrots or parsnip. Very deadly.   
> (the flowers are pretty, but dont touch it! you can be poisoned through skin contact)
> 
> Kravitz checking in new souls to the astral plane is just the DMV for dead folks.  
> Neverwinter is Fantasy Minnesota. You can’t convince me otherwise.


	5. (Ah Ah Ah Ah) Stayin' Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking down at the tiefling, Lup snarled, “Absolutely not. You are not dying under my watch, Xaran. Not. Today.” She started giving the tiefling CPR, breathing air into their mouth and doing chest compressions. After two breaths, the tiefling’s eyes shot open and they started gasping for air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another medical chapter written by a hooman with business and spanish degrees *not* a science or nursing or health-at-all-related degrees.  
> It only took 5 chapters to give you the Kravitz Content you signed up for… and more to come!!!

Barry and Lup sprung out of the ambulance running toward a two-story house, medkits in hand. A tiefling woman opened the door as they approached and waved them in. “My spouse is in here,” she said in a rush, leading them to the living room. On the floor next to a chair, a tall but skinny tiefling had seized up, their face completely swollen and gasping for air. 

“Xaran was snacking on some cashews and there was a peanut inside. They’re deathly allergic to peanuts,” the tiefling woman whimpered. 

“Has Xaran ever had a reaction like this before?” Barry asked quickly.

Horrified, the tiefling woman shook her head, “Nothing like this. They had gotten hives from touching one before so we went to the doctor, who warned us that something like this could happen.”

Barry watched as the tiefling stopped moving or gasping for air.

Lup immediately pulled out a Fantasy EpiPen from her medkit and crouched beside the tiefling, and stated, “You’re in anaphylactic shock. I’m going to give you a shot with epinephrine to stop the allergic reaction. Your swelling will go down and you’ll be able to breathe.” She took the cap off the Fantasy EpiPen and stabbed it into their leg. Barry and Lup both looked at the tiefling, who didn’t so much as move a muscle. 

“Lup,” Barry’s voice hitched, “their pulse stopped.”

Magnus came jogging into the room with the stretcher ready. 

Looking down at the tiefling, Lup snarled, “Abso _ lute _ ly not. You are  _ not  _ dying under my watch, Xaran. Not. Today.” She started giving the tiefling CPR, breathing air into their mouth and doing chest compressions. After two breaths, the tiefling’s eyes shot open and they started gasping for air. 

“Oh thank the Gods,” Lup murmured under her breath.

Barry turned to the wife as Magnus and Lup started moving them onto the stretcher, “We’re going to take them to the hospital so the doctors can make sure they recover fully.”

She glanced over at her spouse and then nodded her head, “I’ll follow right behind you.”

***

A plane away, a man-shaped being sat at a desk, stacks of paper several feet high strewn across it. A nameplate reading 'Kravitz' in elegant copperplate teetered at the top of a pile. In front of him was a tome, propped precariously against yet another stack. Kravitz flipped through it until he reached today's date and ran a bony finger along the list of those-to-die.

His finger stopped, arrested by the strange change in the name below it. The magical inscription reading “ _ Name: Xaran. Cause of Death: Anaphylactic Shock _ .  _ Deathdate: The 12th of Elient of the Present Year _ ,” began to pool and run like fresh ink across marble. 

The page beneath began to glow an unsettling purple-black. The words metamorphosed until they read:

“ _ Name: Xaran. Cause of Death: Transfiguration into Peppermint Candy. Deathdate: The 3rd of Flamerule, Four Years from Now.” _

The glow receded, the inscription bleeding into the paper and drying as if it had always read as such. Kravitz murmured, "Now, that can't be right," as he ran his finger across it again. He flipped forward four years and found the same entry halfway down the page.

“ _ No one _ can be in the book twice," Kravitz exclaimed with an outraged rattle. "You can’t die and go to the Astral Plane  _ twice _ . What's  _ happening _ ?” Kravitz furiously flipped back to the entries for Today, The 12th of Elient of the Present Year and Xaran was nowhere to be found.

“This is fucking  _ new. _ ” Kravitz hissed and stood, throwing up a flurry of papers. Grabbing his tome, he strode through the door of his office into the court of his Queen.

***

On the edge of the Sea of Souls, Kravitz let out another angry, hissing rattle. He turned on his heel away from the calm, iridescent swirling souls and grabbed his scythe from the air.

“Whoever the  _ fuck  _ is rewriting the Laws of Death?  _ I’m coming for you. _ ”

Kravitz swung his blade, tearing a portal to the Material Plane. He strode through without a backwards glance.

***

Kravitz stepped out of the Astral Plane and into a white-tiled, antiseptic-smelling bathroom. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he quickly put his skin on and his scythe away. He brushed off his suit before stepping out into what should be Xaran’s hospital room. 

Kravitz looked around the empty room and pursed his lips. He turned at the sound of someone stepping inside the door.

A tiefling woman paused in the doorway and asked,“Oh- uh. Hello? My spouse, Xaran is out for tests right now. Can I… help you?”

“Ah. Yes. I’m... here to document what happened to them this evening.” Kravitz said, putting his work accent on halfway through.

“Yeah,” the woman sighed and passed Kravitz to sit down in one of the chairs. “Xaran was eating cashews, but somehow a peanut got in the package and they ate it without realizing it. Their entire body swelled up and they couldn’t breathe. That’s when I called the EMTs from the firehouse. They came, gave Xaran a shot which didn’t work, but then one of them did CPR and Xaran started breathing again. The EMTs rushed them here right after. They’re basically completely stabilized, but the doctors want them to stay here for another couple hours for observation.”

Kravitz narrowed his eyes and flexed his fingers. “Hm. The EMTs from the firehouse were the ones who saved him and brought him here?”

The woman nodded.

“Well. Thank you for your time.” He gave a polite half bow and briskly walked out into the hospital hallway. With a quick glance around to ensure he was unwatched, he cut a portal to the nearest firehouse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lup *literally* breathes life cuz Necromancy Bullshit.
> 
> Please take this moment to imagine, you walk into your 7th grade science room and see Friendly Mr. Bones The Skeleton dressed in a dapper suit. That is the cursed image that I realized is Kravitz’ work outfit. His sexy, seductive, Astral Plane work outfit.
> 
> ///coppergreen has called me out on imagining him without a dress shirt and tie while I was all up in here imagining these EXPOSED RIBS. but they fucking shamed me into realizing that he would NEVER show off that sExY bOd at WORK.
> 
> I_Dont_Write_Fics has to drive 6 hours to move into college on Sunday and classes begin on Wednesday, so the next chapters probably won’t be posted for about a week. The next two are parallel chapters so they should be posted soon after the other, but for that reason we need the time to write two chapters instead of just one.
> 
> (Also, writing a chapter a day and spending 3+ hours editing it is really only something realistic when we’re not working or at school. The fact we got 5 out in 5 days is buck wild.) 
> 
> There will only be three more chapters in this fic, but it will lead directly into another fic that will take place as soon as this one ends. So don’t worry, there’s plenty more where whatever-this-is came from! (This should be a four fic series. But that’s long game shit.)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspo: This thread- https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/bplmiu/character_concept_necromancer_that_doesnt_know/ followed by the conversation leading to the text “I want EMT to be a summer job turned Kravitz's nightmare” and here we are...
> 
> Comments and Kudos are super appreciated! We’ve spent too much time building the world and are currently in a writing fervor to put it all on paper (digital paper?). More chapters will be posted VERY SOON!
> 
> (this is I_Dont_Write_Fics first fic!! give them some encouragement in the comments!!!)


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